The AFGO and the AFME

I learned an acronym many years ago that has served me well in life.

AFGO.

It stands for Another Fucking Growth Opportunity.

Before I knew this phrase, there was a lot more teeth-gnashing and nail-biting over life's many challenges. I would bemoan the misfortunes that befell me and wonder, "Why me?" I'd swear a lot. Not that the F word in this phrase isn't swearing, but it's different somehow – more humorous and less angry than the curses that would come out sideways when I was getting upset over those inevitable low points.

But I get it now. I remember a song from my adolescent years (so this will date me for sure), and the words were, "I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden. Along with the sunshine, there's gotta be a little rain sometime."

Well, no shit, Sherlock.

I do think "a little rain" is kind of an understatement for some of what happens to us along the journey, but overall this is a fair representation of life's ups and downs. What I find is that the concept of the AFGO helps me reframe the things that don't go as I'd planned or hoped, and now I'm always looking for the lesson. You know, that thing that makes the trials worthwhile in the end? The part that makes us wiser? So instead of dwelling on my sad or mad or scared feelings, I can take these events as part of the big picture. I shake my head and remind myself that it's Another Fucking Growth Opportunity! I look for the gold that comes from hardship, and feel grateful for how it forges me and those around me into the best versions of ourselves.

Some of the positives I've noticed are that after a big challenge, we know what's important. We don't freak out at small inconveniences. We have perspective. We know we can handle The Big Stuff when it comes around next time.

One of my big challenges is that there's a lot of chronic illness in my family. It's been a rough ride for us, with periods of calm that tend to culminate in the occasional emergency. And what I realized these past couple of weeks is that I've evolved into someone who doesn't tend to panic or overreact when medical shit happens. A case in point: two weeks ago my husband got his first dose of IV antibiotics for a MRSA (drug resistant staph) infection on his foot. This came after several days of watching his toe and foot turn red and swell up alarmingly. He's still getting IVs and will continue to do so till the end of next week at minimum. He's been on FIVE different antibiotics to date. He needed surgery to remove necrotic tissue, and the whole thing has been scary to say the least.

During this time I was committed to do a presentation and facilitate at  Woman Within Level 2 (Wholeness Training), which involved being away for about a week just as this whole crisis was coming to a head. I was literally on a flight to northern California while my husband, at an extremely acute phase of his infection, was being seen by the head of Infectious Diseases to decide where to go next with his treatment. Yes, he told me to go, and yes, I felt terrible leaving him at such a crucial time – and to be honest, I half expected to have to turn right around and head home as soon as I arrived. But I went. And there was some surprise on the other end when I showed up in spite of this situation. I questioned myself, and wondered why I was able to leave during a crisis that would have grounded many other people. Was I a bad person? Did I not love my husband? Did I not care enough to give up my plans? None of those stuck for me, so I knew it had to be something else.

What I realized is that, in my case, the AFGO has a cousin –  the AFME.

It stands for Another Fucking Medical Emergency.

And it has normalized difficult medical situations for me so that I tend to take them more in stride than those who don't get the "gift" of this kind of crisis very often.

I've found myself in quite a few such situations over the last five years or so, where I had to make a decision about stopping my life in order to attend to the medical crisis of someone in my family. Most often I've dropped what I was doing, but in other cases, I've chosen not to. It's been a matter of weighing everything – looking at how well the person in question can take care of themselves, and who else can help out other than me. I learned to do this after dropping everything last March when one of my daughters had a crisis, canceling a plane ticket to a very important event at great expense, and then finding out later that my husband could have handled it just fine.

What? I'm not indispensable? I'm not the ONLY one who can deal with this? Well, that's humbling.

In fact, with this most recent situation, there was a huge gift in my not being around. Our two daughters took matters into their own hands. One drove home from college, and she, her sister,  and her sister's boyfriend came over, cleaned up the kitchen, and cooked my husband a wonderful meal. Then they hung out and watched Tosh. O on TV together. When I called, full of apprehension as to how my husband might be doing, everyone was laughing and having a good time. In my absence, the girls and their brother took turns getting my husband to his medical appointments for the next few days.

I'm pretty sure if I'd been around, none of this would have happened. The kids would have known I was handling the situation and left it to me. There would have been no void to fill.  By not being there, I created space for others to step up and show their love.

The added bonus is that my husband got the gift of seeing how much his kids care about him and are willing to do for him. How huge is that?

The AFGO and the AFME are my perspective-makers: frames of mind that allow me to step back and see the bigger picture of my own life, with humor, wisdom, and some shaking of my head, but without wallowing in the misfortunes.

And now I'm curious if anyone else out there relates to these, or has another type of AF_ _  (fill in the last two letters) to share. Please do so in the comments!